I found a way to play this game online more reliably than in the past and a friend and I managed to get to and beat the first boss! I was player 1 this time. The friend (who used to go by MasterSL and now goes by Zephyr) had his input configured poorly and didn't know the controls very well, unfortunately, but he still did alright.
This has to be the most poorly designed boss I've ever fought. Nothing the Wiimote is capable of can keep up with this boss. I love luck based games. Yes that was sarcasm
Wow this game is getting pretty retarded can I please play instead of everything being automatic. I won't be continuing this playthrough until I can find a way to get my Wiimote to stop acting on its own (read: never, because this game + Wiimotes are the worst at doing what I input and not what they feel like).